Posted by: SPT | April 9, 2010

Sedimentary

At what point do we settle?

When I over-think life, the only solution I know of is to simplify things down.  To get back at the root of the problem, where the stem is.  A large majority of the situations that I’ve encountered break down into a simple dilemma: the choice to do right, or wrong.  Of course, the ability to discern right from wrong is biased, so I rephrase the dilemma:  the choice to go with one decision, or another.

As I’ve grown up, evolved, or simply lived, I always sought to understand my surroundings.  At first, my mission was to blend in.  I wanted to understand the order of things and be a part of the robust wheel of life.  Everything seemed so settled and fluid, as if there were no kinks in the system.  But the older I grew, and the more I learned, my surroundings started to dissolve and rust.  No longer did I imitate each step I took, but instead I now found myself paused in the midst of imitations.

So I break it down, not for the system, for myself.  I have the ability to choose between one action or another.  And it is this ability that defines who I become.  I can continue to be a mime, with my own voice mute, in this play called life, or I could do what many others have so simply overlooked.

It’s overwhelming, to say the least.  I re-evaluated everything.  The world around me seemed to be split, now, into two parallel paths.  The first, and most convincing, was the visual world around me.

With children still growing into adults, and babies still learning from their surroundings, I could only see a world that seemed so automated.  You have set goals and set boundaries, and to cross said boundaries would be an intentional foul.  Despite the vast human population that coexists, only a few stand out as heroes, while the rest of us fade into the background.  These heroes, so revered and followed, are forced into a spotlight.

Only under this light, however, does the other-world make its appearance.  Without conscious approval, I find myself on the outside of the spotlight looking in.  Until moments such as these, I am trapped in the environment around me.  I forget the individuality that exists in me, and in doing so, I only exist as a part of a whole.

My mind, however, is not a part of that whole.  My inner voice, the character that I have become, chooses to exercise its freedom.  Constantly, I ask myself what use the external environment serves, and whether or not I agree.  I find myself part of the audience that sits behind the spotlight, as if I were only an observer, and I do not agree.

Why is it that our heroes are placed upon a pedestal, when they are only human?  Achievements aside, because we all have our own goals, we should hold ourselves as responsible as those around us.

Each person has the decision to go down one path, or another.  So after re-examining my surroundings, I force myself to reflect upon the decisions I’ve made.  It seems so simple, most of the time: Do I choose to eat breakfast, or skip it; do I choose to be patient, or get rowdy.  I base each decision on the situation, and base it on the environment.

But under a spotlight, the situation is changed.  The environment is changed.

So two worlds exist for me.  No, I’m not schizophrenic.  I just see a stark contrast between the world that I live in, and the world that lives around me.  For the longest time, I always followed the examples set around me and used those situations to create my moral understanding–but now, I find myself setting the examples.  I often forget that, even whilst I was a baby, the world consisted of people making decisions.

Now it’s up to me to keep that tradition going.  And it’s overwhelming, to say the least.  I battle the daily monsters that invade my life, whether they appear in friendly disguises or not.  And sometimes, I don’t know who, what, or why I’m fighting.  Without the answer set, I never know if I’m making the right decisions, or if I’m even in the right world.  But then again, such is life–I exist, unaware of why.  I choose to believe in certain ideology, but even this, I question.

I’m unable to just exist.  And as I grow and further embed myself into my visual world, I always wonder about the world around me.  Do others think and reason like I do?  It surely cannot be that I am the only person who is conscious.

This is me clouding around.  Too many thoughts collide, but together they stick and form a springboard for my conscience.  When I was younger, I desperately sought to connect with the world that existed around me.  Now that time has passed, I’m only trying to make sense of it.

But I shouldn’t forget the moral.  Because no matter who the spotlight is on, it all comes down to a decision.

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